I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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