His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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