I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
