just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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