felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
