I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
a search helicopter?!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
