I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
