She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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