I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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