i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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