If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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