Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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