i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
