pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
