Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
