hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
