She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
