I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
