I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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