I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
