weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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