i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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