It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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