I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
