I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
