Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
