hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
