I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
