i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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