I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
