i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
