How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
