I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think a kid would responsible me up
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
