Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
