Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
