i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
