Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
