I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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