The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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