Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
