someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
this boner is exhausting
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
