I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
