The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
