How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
