Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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