did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
