Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
