I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
