Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
