I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
