Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Houston, we have a blender
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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