i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
